25

Tiada waktu yang lebih tepat untuk menyanyikan lagu What's Up selain pada hari usia kau menjengah suku abad dan kau masih terpinga-pinga akan hala tuju kehidupan.

Twenty-five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination

Aku membayangkan hal-hal yang istimewa sempena ulangtahunku yang ke dua puluh lima. Maka Tuhan memakbulkan permintaan dengan menyedarkan yang aku punya keluarga dan teman yang begitu istimewa. Sederhana.

11 November tahun ini jatuh pada hari Jumaat dan pada penghujung Surah Kahfi petang tadi, Tuhan memberitahu;

Barangsiapa yang mengharap pertemuan dengan Tuhannya, hendaklah ia mengerjakan amal soleh dan janganlah mempersekutukan sesiapapun dalam ibadahnya kepada Tuhannya.

Al-Kahfi : 110

Bukankah kau sangat berharap pertemuan dengan Ar-Rahman? Itulah destinasi yang kau cari selama ini. Maka hiduplah dengan usia yang masih berbaki dengan kesedaran yang kau akan kembali. Moga Allah ampunkan dosa-dosa selama 25 tahun ini.

Sedih dan letih

Still figuring out kenapa bila kita tengah bersedih, kita harap ada orang bertanya khabar dan tahu tentang kesedihan tersebut.

Tapi sebenarnya taknak pun cerita kenapa rasa sedih pada orang yang bertanya tu.

Sebenarnya taknak pun cerita pada sesiapa.

Sebab kita tahu orang lain takkan faham.

Sebenarnya taknak beritahu pada orang yang sayangkan kita sebab kita taknak dia pun sedih.

Tapi kita tak suka kalau orang yang kita sayang taknak berkongsi kesedihan dia.

Sebab kita tahu betapa sedihnya pendam kesedihan sendirian dan menangis teresak-esak takde orang nak tolong pelukkan.

Kita tak cukup kuatkah sehingga perlu berkongsi kesedihan dengan orang lain? Kita, yang punya Tuhan ini. Atau sememangnya Tuhan ciptakan manusia begini?

Menulis blog

On Blogger since September 2009.

Lama fikir nama apa nak letak untuk url dan nama blog tujuh tahun lepas. Lama pula lepas tu baru mula menulis.

Tak tahu lah apa perasaan Hafizah berusia 18 tahun bila tahu Hafizah dewasa rasa nama blog 'jom jadi baik' dah tak relevan. Mana semangat dakwah kakak ni agaknya dia tertanya-tanya. Kenapa narsistik sangat nama blog nama sendiri?

Hm sebenarnya ingin lebih autentik je dik, haha *bitterlaugh

So young Hafizah fake ke kau nak cakap? Bukan fake lah, cuma masih budak-budak, banyak lagi nak kena belajar. Haha 40 years old Hafizah will laugh at your perspective now pun. Dang them thoughts fight

Bila kau makin dewasa kau sedar yang islah dan dakwah tak mudah. Tak semudah menulis di blog. Haha macam nak menulis itu mudah. Atau mungkin sebab hidup kau lost lalu kau tak menulis ataupun kau kena menulis baru menemukan diri kau

Semua orang dah move on dari blogger. Kebanyakan. Tapi mungkin aku kena kembali menulis di sini. Panjang umur sepuluh tahun lagi kau boleh gelakkan this 25 years old Hafizah pula, ataupun your younger self sebenarnya akan selalu mengingatkan siapa diri kau sebenarnya, at heart.

Doodle pun cute dan innocent je cube imagine tuan dia, dulu-dulu.
What life has done to me uhg

Realationship

Kebelakangan ini aku memikirkan persoalan relationship ini dengan serius. Sangat serius memikirkan macam mana untuk akhirnya seseorang itu membuat keputusan untuk, kahwin (baca: komitmen). Sehingga lah aku mengambil pendirian dan ketetapan hati (pergh bahaha) bahawa untuk berkahwin, aku hanya perlu pilih lelaki tersebut, untuk aku cintai sepenuh hati. Ianya adalah tentang pilihan yang aku buat. Kemudian aku terbaca penulisan di bawah ini di Tumblr (source). It hits right in the feels.

"A lot of people ask me what my biggest fear is, or what scares me most. And I know they expect an answer like heights, or closed spaces, or people dressed like animals, but how do I tell them that when I was 17 I took a class called Relationships For Life and I learned that most people fall out of love for the same reasons they fell in it. That their lover’s once endearing stubbornness has now become refusal to compromise and their one track mind is now immaturity and their bad habits that you once adored is now money down the drain. Their spontaneity becomes reckless and irresponsible and their feet up on your dash is no longer sexy, just another distraction in your busy life. Nothing saddens and scares me like the thought that I can become ugly to someone who once thought all the stars were in my eyes.

After my teacher introduced us to this theory, she asked us, “is love a feeling? Or is it a choice?” We were all a bunch of teenagers. Naturally we said it was a feeling. She said that if we clung to that belief, we’d never have a lasting relationship of any sort. She made us interview a dozen adults who were or had been married and we asked them about their marriages and why it lasted or why it failed. At the end, I asked every single person if love was an emotion or a choice.

Everybody said that it was a choice. It was a conscious commitment. It was something you choose to make work every day with a person who has chosen the same thing. They all said that at one point in their marriage, the “feeling of love” had vanished or faded and they weren’t happy. They said feelings are always changing and you cannot build something that will last on such a shaky foundation. The married ones said that when things were bad, they chose to open the communication, chose to identify what broke and how to fix it, and chose to recreate something worth falling in love with. The divorced ones said they chose to walk away.

Ever since that class, since that project, I never looked at relationships the same way. I understood why arranged marriages were successful. I discovered the difference in feelings and commitments. I’ve never gone for the person who makes my heart flutter or my head spin. I’ve chosen the people who were committed to choosing me, dedicated to finding something to adore even on the ugliest days. I no longer fear the day someone who swore I was their universe can no longer see the stars in my eyes as long as they still choose to look until they find them again."

Anis, aku dedicate this for you. *Go listen to Andy Grammer song, I Choose You after this :3